Most of you are probably well aware that I treat most matters dealing with religion and the paranormal with a great deal of skepticism.  However, I have recently become aware of something that has radically changed my perspective.  If you would be so kind as to indulge me for a few minutes, I would very much like to share my new found knowledge with you all.

It all began with a dream… actually, more of a vision.  In this vision, I was visited by an otherworldly being who simply referred to herself as “^”.  She told me that I had to purchase a yellow spiral-bound notebook with at least 128 pages and a purple ballpoint pen (preferably one with the soft rubber comfort-grip handle).  At exactly 2:43 am (Eastern Standard Time), I was to climb the tallest tree in the park, burn an incense composed of barley and oregano, close my eyes, and write down the truth that was revealed to me.

What follows is a summary of the One Great Truth.

Thousands of years ago there was a long forgotten race of malevolent beings who created a truly diabolical substance.  This substance goes by many names throughout the universe.  The insectoids of Alpha Beta 9 call it “Dark Mana”.  The Avian Lords of Sigma 13 call it “Dire Milk”.  The denizens of Omega Perseus 5 call it “Irving” (It is generally accepted by most sentient races that the denizens of Omega Perseus 5 “ain’t quite right in the head“, but I digress).  K instructed me that we Earthlings shall know it as “Substance XJ-237″.

The purpose of this insidious substance is to mutate those who are exposed to it in horrific ways… to cause them to deviate from the Grand Design of the High Council of Krebulan (the all-knowing, all-powerful benevolent race who intelligently designed all life in the universe).  These perversions against nature have taken various forms specific to the races who have fallen victim to its evil contamination.  Fortunately, K informed me of the effect it has on humans.

Before Substance XJ-237 (which has no color, odor, mass, or energy signature of any kind), all human adults were designed to fall within a sacred height range.  No one was shorter than 5’6″, nor were they taller than 6’3″.  The reasons why the High Council of Krebulan chose this range are beyond our understanding, so suffice it to say that it represents all that is beautiful, sacred, happy, fluffy, and good.  For many years humans happily adhered to these guidelines.  Our race was perfect, living a life of bliss and joy in perfect harmony with our divine overlords of the High Council Krebulan (our most blessed praises unto them!).  That all changed after “The Fall”.

The Fall was indeed humanity’s darkest hour (although some theologians within the reform movement now believe it to have only taken about 37 minutes).  Upon seeing our perfect and happy union with the High Council of Krebulan, the jealous and malevolent race that shall not be named unleashed Substance XJ-237 upon our planet.  It rained down upon the unsuspecting people of Earth, warping their minds in ways that would forever threaten their sacred bond with the High Council of Krebulan.

It brought great wickedness into their minds.  All across the planet, people began to forsake the teachings of the High Council of Krebulan (hallowed be their sacred name!).  Hidden in the shadows, humans began to question the very goodness of their intended design.  The heresy was unthinkable… “Why CAN’T we be shorter than 5’6″?  And wouldn’t it be kind of FUN to be 6’4″ tall?  We could finally clean the top of the refrigerator!”

And so, great wickedness filled the Earth.  Humans began to engage in unimaginable sins.  In defiance of their sacred nature, millions chose to be shorter than 5’6″, while millions more chose to grow taller than 6’3″.

We have been cursed with this unthinkable sin, but all is not lost.  Most of us are still righteous.  Most of us have chosen to abide by the sacred rules of our nature.  Most of us have chosen to be 5’6″ to 6’3″ tall.

Can we still save those who have strayed?  Perhaps we can.  We have seen great promise.  Our missionaries have had a great deal of success bringing young children back into the light by convincing them to grow beyond 5’6″ (although we have had far less success converting those who chose to grow beyond 6’3″).

One thing we can… or should I say MUST… do is stop these deviants who have chosen to stray from the light from indoctrinating our children or forcing their way of life upon us.  Across our great nation, the vile Shorties and Tallies have convinced our elected officials and activist judges to let them get married.  As if that’s not bad enough, many of them actually want the right to legally adopt children.

We cannot allow this to happen.  After all, they have chosen to succumb to the evil effects of Substance XJ-237.  They have chosen to forsake the most blessed and sacred height guidelines set forth by our benevolent creators of the High Council of Krebulan.  They have chosen to reject their reward in the afterlife (an eternity of bliss on the sacred pleasure planet Paradise 5, with its award winning all-you-can-eat buffet featuring the famous Triple Chocolate Orgasm… and that’s NOT just a figure of speech!).

Of course, some will argue that what I propose is wrong.  There will be those wicked enablers of the Shorties and Tallies who claim that everything I’ve told you is complete and utter nonsense.  They will point out that their is no proof that anything I’ve said is true, and that it’s perfectly natural for humans to be shorter than 5’6″ or taller than 6’3″.  They will even say that it is wrong for me to deny basic legal rights and equality to my fellow human beings based on a ridiculous belief that no rational person in the twenty-first century should embrace.

Seriously, folks… is what I say really that difficult to believe? It’s not like a claimed that a pillar of fire burned laws into stone, or that people who die for their faith will be rewarded with 72 virgins, or that a carpenter was born to a virgin, died for your sins, and rose from the dead.  It’s not like I am suggesting that anyone be persecuted for anything as natural as their sexual orientation.  That would be completely absurd!

Can I get a “Yam-nar*”?!

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*From the Krebulan.  Its closest English translation is “Amen”.