Exploring the fundamental flaws of fundamentalist thought
Humor
The Divine Mystery of Substance XJ-237
Nov 4th
Most of you are probably well aware that I treat most matters dealing with religion and the paranormal with a great deal of skepticism. However, I have recently become aware of something that has radically changed my perspective. If you would be so kind as to indulge me for a few minutes, I would very much like to share my new found knowledge with you all.
It all began with a dream… actually, more of a vision. In this vision, I was visited by an otherworldly being who simply referred to herself as “^”. She told me that I had to purchase a yellow spiral-bound notebook with at least 128 pages and a purple ballpoint pen (preferably one with the soft rubber comfort-grip handle). At exactly 2:43 am (Eastern Standard Time), I was to climb the tallest tree in the park, burn an incense composed of barley and oregano, close my eyes, and write down the truth that was revealed to me.
What follows is a summary of the One Great Truth.
Thousands of years ago there was a long forgotten race of malevolent beings who created a truly diabolical substance. This substance goes by many names throughout the universe. The insectoids of Alpha Beta 9 call it “Dark Mana”. The Avian Lords of Sigma 13 call it “Dire Milk”. The denizens of Omega Perseus 5 call it “Irving” (It is generally accepted by most sentient races that the denizens of Omega Perseus 5 “ain’t quite right in the head“, but I digress). K instructed me that we Earthlings shall know it as “Substance XJ-237″.
The purpose of this insidious substance is to mutate those who are exposed to it in horrific ways… to cause them to deviate from the Grand Design of the High Council of Krebulan (the all-knowing, all-powerful benevolent race who intelligently designed all life in the universe). These perversions against nature have taken various forms specific to the races who have fallen victim to its evil contamination. Fortunately, K informed me of the effect it has on humans.
Before Substance XJ-237 (which has no color, odor, mass, or energy signature of any kind), all human adults were designed to fall within a sacred height range. No one was shorter than 5’6″, nor were they taller than 6’3″. The reasons why the High Council of Krebulan chose this range are beyond our understanding, so suffice it to say that it represents all that is beautiful, sacred, happy, fluffy, and good. For many years humans happily adhered to these guidelines. Our race was perfect, living a life of bliss and joy in perfect harmony with our divine overlords of the High Council Krebulan (our most blessed praises unto them!). That all changed after “The Fall”.
The Fall was indeed humanity’s darkest hour (although some theologians within the reform movement now believe it to have only taken about 37 minutes). Upon seeing our perfect and happy union with the High Council of Krebulan, the jealous and malevolent race that shall not be named unleashed Substance XJ-237 upon our planet. It rained down upon the unsuspecting people of Earth, warping their minds in ways that would forever threaten their sacred bond with the High Council of Krebulan.
It brought great wickedness into their minds. All across the planet, people began to forsake the teachings of the High Council of Krebulan (hallowed be their sacred name!). Hidden in the shadows, humans began to question the very goodness of their intended design. The heresy was unthinkable… “Why CAN’T we be shorter than 5’6″? And wouldn’t it be kind of FUN to be 6’4″ tall? We could finally clean the top of the refrigerator!”
And so, great wickedness filled the Earth. Humans began to engage in unimaginable sins. In defiance of their sacred nature, millions chose to be shorter than 5’6″, while millions more chose to grow taller than 6’3″.
We have been cursed with this unthinkable sin, but all is not lost. Most of us are still righteous. Most of us have chosen to abide by the sacred rules of our nature. Most of us have chosen to be 5’6″ to 6’3″ tall.
Can we still save those who have strayed? Perhaps we can. We have seen great promise. Our missionaries have had a great deal of success bringing young children back into the light by convincing them to grow beyond 5’6″ (although we have had far less success converting those who chose to grow beyond 6’3″).
One thing we can… or should I say MUST… do is stop these deviants who have chosen to stray from the light from indoctrinating our children or forcing their way of life upon us. Across our great nation, the vile Shorties and Tallies have convinced our elected officials and activist judges to let them get married. As if that’s not bad enough, many of them actually want the right to legally adopt children.
We cannot allow this to happen. After all, they have chosen to succumb to the evil effects of Substance XJ-237. They have chosen to forsake the most blessed and sacred height guidelines set forth by our benevolent creators of the High Council of Krebulan. They have chosen to reject their reward in the afterlife (an eternity of bliss on the sacred pleasure planet Paradise 5, with its award winning all-you-can-eat buffet featuring the famous Triple Chocolate Orgasm… and that’s NOT just a figure of speech!).
Of course, some will argue that what I propose is wrong. There will be those wicked enablers of the Shorties and Tallies who claim that everything I’ve told you is complete and utter nonsense. They will point out that their is no proof that anything I’ve said is true, and that it’s perfectly natural for humans to be shorter than 5’6″ or taller than 6’3″. They will even say that it is wrong for me to deny basic legal rights and equality to my fellow human beings based on a ridiculous belief that no rational person in the twenty-first century should embrace.
Seriously, folks… is what I say really that difficult to believe? It’s not like a claimed that a pillar of fire burned laws into stone, or that people who die for their faith will be rewarded with 72 virgins, or that a carpenter was born to a virgin, died for your sins, and rose from the dead. It’s not like I am suggesting that anyone be persecuted for anything as natural as their sexual orientation. That would be completely absurd!
Can I get a “Yam-nar*”?!
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*From the Krebulan. Its closest English translation is “Amen”.
A wet tissue should get rid of that
Feb 25th
Today is a very sacred day that comes but once a year. It is a day of silent reflection for me, for there is invariably that one moment of contemplation after I realize my error in saying…
“Dude… you’ve got some schmutz on your forehead!”
Of course, not all people call it Forehead Schmutz Day. To millions of followers of the Roman Catholic faith, it is apparently something called Ash Wednesday.
Being that I am a godless heathen, I don’t fully understand what this day is all about. I know you’re supposed to get really drunk the night before, and then stop eating chocolate or watching cartoons for a period of about 39-41 days. Beyond that, it is a complete mystery.
I think I may be able to figure out exactly what goes on, though.
I imagine that Catholics go into their churches carrying their rosaries (or “Rosies”, as they are affectionately nicknamed). The beads are then laid on the floor and the parishioners form a sort of ring around them.
Prayers are then uttered as they pull some sort of flowers from their full pockets. I’m not sure what sort of flowers are used. Personally, I find posies quite lovely!
Ashes are then applied to their foreheads. This seems a bit odd to me. I can understand putting some sort of ointment or powder on the forehead, but ashes? ASHES?!
At this point, the exhausted folks simply all fall down.
I must admit that I have based my theory largely on what I learned during kindergarten recess, so I apologize if I have offended anyone with my ignorance.
Don’t worry, though. I do understand the single most important tenet of the Catholic faith…
God sees that filthy, shameful thing you’re doing in the bathroom… and he’s gonna blind you and send you to Hell for it!!!
A victim of a political hate crime
Oct 24th
Earlier today, while minding my own business and using the ATM, I was set upon by a group of pasty, rich, old white men.
After raiding my pension and stealing $700 billion of my tax money, they saw my Barack Obama button and physically attacked me.
Please… alert the conservative bloggers. My story must be told.
Don’t bother to verify any of this first. Please just over react and make a major story out of it.
I’ll be waiting for my calls from Obama and Biden.
My official legal disclaimer for those who are too obtuse to understand parody… THIS IS PARODY!!!!
Disaster Strikes Faux News Channel
Sep 2nd
Disaster Strikes Faux News Channel
by Brian Barrish, FundamentallyFlawed.com
New York City – Inside sources have reported that recent events have had distastrous effects on the fair (and dare I say, “balanced”) Faux News Channel.
Executives have been forced to confront the reality that the network has reached crisis level and may be forced to go off the air if the situation does not improve.
“We’ve never had to deal with such a tragedy before,” said our anonymous source. “It is impossible to operate and maintain a prestigious twenty-four hour news channel without the proper equipment. We fear that our position atop the world of media has finally come to an end.”
Our source’s fears are well founded, as Faux News faces a crisis of unimaginable magnitude…
Faux News, it seems, has run out of Turd Polish.
How could this possibly happen? Our source explains…
“We have been lulled into a false sense of security over the last eight years. The Bush administration has provided us with a steady supply of turds, and we’ve always had enough polish to meet our needs. We have been able to effectively make pile after pile of steaming excrement palatable to the uniformed public.”
When asked why the supply and demand ratio was toppled, our insider became somewhat emotional.
“It’s been getting harder and harder over the last few years. Former members of the administration keep coming forward and exposing the turds of the past in unpolished form. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a steady supply of polish when you have to continually re-polish the same old turds. After a while, you can’t possibly put on enough polish to blind the American public. Eventually, they begin to realize that a turd is a turd.”
Although these events indeed put a strain on Faux News, they did not seal its fate.
“We had anticipated this and believed we were prepared. As tough as it was, we had it under control. That was, of course, until last Friday.”
He was speaking about the events of August 29th, the day Sarah Palin was announced as John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 presidential election.
“To those of us at Faux News, it will always be remembered as our Katrina. It will always be the day the levees broke, inundating our network with torrent of turds that could not be polished. We were buried. We were devastated. For God’s sake… we’re only human…. we’re only human.”
When asked if this was truly the end of the road for Faux News, our source said that there is a glimmer of hope.
“We have our all-purpose emergency backup plan. When things get bad for conservative journalists, we talk about Ronald Reagan. Not the Ronald Reagan that destroyed the middle class… not the Reagan that sponsored terrorists in Nicaragua by selling cocaine while claiming to be fighting a “War on Drugs”… not the Reagan whose foreign policy fostered and spawned men like Sadam Husein and Osama bin Laden. You know… the good Ronald Reagan. The mythical Reagan that exists only in the minds of middle America.”
So perhaps all is not lost for the folks at Faux News Channel. They can march proudly onward to the future, guided by the light of Ronald Reagan…
The patron saint of Polished Turds.
The things we can learn from Jack Chick
Jul 30th
I am honestly starting to question the sincerity of Jack Chick, creator of the infamous “Gospel Tracts”.
I used to take him at face value, assuming that he was a misguided fundamentalist who used his moronic creations to brainwash America’s youth.
Recently, however, his tracts have become so utterly absurd that I can only assume he is a brilliant atheist satirist. Seriously… his work is a far greater mockery of Christian thought than any freethinking humorist could ever conjure up.
A brief glimpse of two pages of his most recent tract “Who Is He?” will make this point abundantly clear.
We’ll begin with page one, which is a realistic depiction of how various cultural groups view Jesus…
Ah, what a rogues’ gallery Jack has assembled for our reading pleasure!
In the center of the panel, we have a psychotically evil (and apparently sub-human) Arabic gentleman shouting about Jesus being a Muslim. Next to him, we have a generic bow-tie clad black man (who I am sure only coincidentally resembles a prominent African American religious leader) who has the audacity to suggest that Jesus was a PERSON OF COLOR that expressed revolutionary ideas. In the bottom right corner, we have an individual who may or may not be a buck-toothed Asian claiming that Jesus was the cousin of Buddha (who lived a few centuries before Jesus). I also have reason to believe this gentleman may be an elitist, as he is holding a martini in his hand.
Which brings us to the star of the page… a shadowy, hook-nosed figure who informs us that everybody HATED Jesus. I will make no guesses as to what ethnic group this individual is supposed to represent, but I will point out that he bears a striking resemblance to many of the shadowy, hook-nosed characters who called for the death of Jesus in some of Jack’s other tracts.
Now we can get into the most amazing page of this tract. Actually, I will go so far as to say that this is the MOST AMAZING PAGE EVER PUBLISHED IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY.
How can I make such a bold declaration? Well, what else can you say about one tiny page that explains ALL THE SCIENCE IN THE UNIVERSE?!
There you have it, folks! The first panel explains everything there is to know about cosmology and biology, while panel two explains all the laws of physics. It’s so simple that a drunken chimpanzee (who is in no way related to humans) could have dreamed it up… SO IT MUST BE TRUE!!!
Thank you, Jack Chick. Thank you for providing countless hours of entertainment to sane and rational people. Thank you for making it so damn easy to illustrate the utterly moronic absurdities of fundamentalist thought.
Keep ‘em coming, Jack! But please…
Keep this crap away from children.
ALERT: PBS to air program with FACTUAL INFORMATION!!!
Jul 22nd
Oh, the HUMANITY!!!
Our worst fears have come true, ladies and gentlemen. We are precariously perched at the brink of oblivion, staring headlong into the abyss. The satanic liberals of academia are prepared to use the venerable PBS program “Nova” to do the unthinkable…
Use legitimate scientific and historical research to present the TRUTH about the Bible!
Please, I beg of you… Please remain calm. Step away from the window. Put down the gun. Pull your head out of the oven. There is still hope, my friends… the AFA has released an action alert to stop this sanity!
They have provided a short sampling of the evil truths Nova plans to present…
• The Old Testament was written in the sixth century BC and hundreds of authors contributed.
• Abraham, Sarah and their offspring didn’t exist.
• There is no archaeological evidence of the Exodus.
• Monotheism was a process that took hundreds of years.
• The Israelites were actually Canaanites.
• The Israelites believed that God had a wife.
It’s bad enough that PBS has used programs like Sesame Street to brainwash our children into believing that “A” is for “Apple” and that 2 + 2 = 4, but now they have the unmitigated gall to challenge the historical accuracy of mythology! Next they will be teaching our youth that thunder is the result of millions of rapidly heated gas molecules spontaneously breaking the sound barrier and not the sound of Thor’s mighty hammer striking a cosmic anvil.
I remember the deleterious effect PBS had on me as a child. They filled my impressionable mind with a variety of wicked facts that contradicted the Bible…
- The Earth orbits the Sun, and neither one of them is located at the center of the Universe
- Human beings cannot walk on water without the assistance of some sort of flotation device
- Illness is caused by microbes, not by a vengeful deity
- The Earth is BILLIONS of years old
- Dinosaurs and humans were separated by tens of millions of years
It is clear that we cannot allow this government funded assault on irrational and delusional ideas continue. Please follow the example set by the American Family Association and DEMAND that congress stop spending our tax dollars on educating the populace.
If this continues, our children are in danger of catching up with the children of all other industrialized nations. We can NEVER let this happen.
Remember… Ignorance is power!
The AFA has shown me the light of love!
Jul 16th
I am here to testify to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have finally seen the light! Glory unto He who has cast His shining ray of truth through the darkness so that I may bask in the truth of love!
When I say “He”, I am of course refering to Don Wildmon, the illustrious leader of the American Family Association.
I understand that most of you are probably quite surprised by my rebirth into the light of Don (Glory be upon Him!). I suppose I should start from the beginning.
It seems that fast food megalith McDonald’s has caved into the wretched “Homosexual Agenda” by joining the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, a group which rewards companies that have the audacity to acknowledge that homosexuals deserve to be treated like human beings. This should come as no surprise to many of us. After all, this is a company which takes pride in the fact that they have slipped their hot meat between a tender set of buns billions of times! I am appalled that so many God-fearing Americans have accepted this sinful behavior for so many years.
Luckily, the good and just Mr. Wildmon would have none of this. He immediately called upon his legion of Christian soldiers to launch a volley of emails to McDonald’s demanding that they “remain neutral in the culture war”.
How did McDonald’s respond? Rather than have the decency to cave into the demands of an army of Bible-bangers with too much time on their hands, spokesman Bill Whitman suggested that these individuals were motivated by HATE!
In a recent article at One News Now, Don Wildmon denied that hate had anything to do with it. It’s easy to see his point. After all, how can any rational person claim that forming an organization devoted to discriminating against a group of people that have done absolutely nothing wrong to you is somehow a form of “hate”?
In fact, I have received many emails from AFA supporters explaining that this bigotry is actually an act of LOVE!
Well, Wildmon and his minions must know what they are talking about, seeing as how they have the one true God on their side and all, so I have decided to adopt their way of thinking. All things that seem to be acts of hate are merely a form of love! Just imagine how much nicer the world would be if we apply this philosophy to other situations…
- White supremacists are often accused of hating minority groups. This is completely unfair, because they love them. They have so much love for these people that they want them to have their very own schools, water fountains, towns, and sections at the back of the bus. In fact, they love them so much that they have been known to hang them from trees like Christmas ornaments so that we may all appreciate their beauty!
- Adolf Hitler is remembered for his hatred of the Jews. History has obviously gotten this wrong… he must have loved them! Everybody likes to go to camp, right? Well Hitler had so much love in his heart that he built dozens of camps for the Jewish people. He gave them all matching pinstripe pajamas, let them develop job skills by engaging in manual labor for 18 hours a day, and provided them with three square meals a month! When these camps became too crowded, he was kind enough to eliminate many of the campers so that more Jews could come and experience his divine love. Oh, how beautiful it was!
- Rapists are criminals? I think not! They are merely men who love women so much that they can’t bear to hold the love inside!
- And last but not least, we can’t forget Karl Rove, a man who loved the black and Hispanic voters so much that he went out of his way to make sure that they didn’t have to waste a perfectly good Tuesday in November voting!
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It’s time to put all kidding aside. I’m aware that it’s not entirely fair to compare the Religious Right to murderers and rapists, and it’s downright cruel to compare anyone to Karl Rove. I may have pushed the limits of good taste here, but I did it to make an important point.
Hitler was delusional enough to believe he was acting in the best interest if humanity by committing his unimaginable crimes against humanity. White supremacists are delusional enough to believe that they are saving America by waging war against all minorities. Many rapists even believe that their sick and violent crimes against women are intimate acts of love toward these women.
In the same respect, religious fundamentalist groups are delusional enough to believe that they are executing the divine will of an omnipotent being by waging a campaign of bigotry and intolerance against good people whose only “crime” is their natural sexual orientation.
You can claim that your campaign of bigotry is a holy culture war born of love. You can also claim that a steaming pile of excrement is a hot fudge sundae.
Just don’t expect us to swallow either one.
Class action lawsuit accuses Christianity of plagiarism
Jul 10th
Class action lawsuit accuses Christianity of plagiarism
By Brian Barrish, fake reporter
A class action lawsuit was filed today alleging that a popular group known as the Christians plagiarized nearly all of their religious texts from earlier sources. The suit was filed on behalf of a wide variety of plaintiffs, including the ancient Egyptians, Sumerians, Greeks, Romans, and a wide array of obscure Jewish sects.
“This atrocity has gone on long enough. My clients have suffered in the shadows for over two thousand years. We believe the time has come for these perpetrators to pay a just compensation for their acts of intellectual and artistic thievery!” said Tommy Chopton, the lead attorney for the plaintiffs.
As many of you may remember, Chopton is the controversial lawyer who first gained notoriety for his colorful courtroom antics in the highly publicized Gilgamesh v. Noah case, during which he coined the now famous phrase, “If the animals could not fit, then Noah’s full of shit.”
Legal analysts believe Chopton and his clients face an uphill battle in this case. There are a number of hurdles, the first of which being determining exactly who the defendants are. Although the scripture is said to have been written by a number of authors (including Mark, Luke, John, Paul, George, and Ringo), it is unclear if any of the texts were actually written by these individuals. In what is considered a bold feat of legal maneuvering, Chopton has elected to pursue the groups which are financially benefiting from these writings.
The Rev. John Tytass, a spokesman for the group American Evangelicals for Family Values and the American Family Way, responded to these allegations.
“The idea that the events depicted in the Christian Bible were merely stolen from other sources is ridiculous,” explains Tytass. “These are not fictional stories. The events are fully supported by scientific and historical facts that our finest Christian scholars have made up. Our Heavenly Father sent to us his only begotten son so that we may learn to hate homosexuals and Democrats. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a fourteen year old Filipino boy waiting for me in a jacuzzi full of pudding. Wait… did I say that last part out loud? I meant an EIGHTEEN year old Filipino boy… I mean GIRL… I mean, my WIFE…”
Another prominent Christian leader agreed to speak to us under condition of anonymity. “Cardinal X” is a senior official in an unnamed Rome based multinational Christian organization.
“There was absolutely no plagiarism involved, ” said Cardinal X. “We explained the similarities hundreds of years ago! Satan, the scourge of God and all around nasty fellow, provided these stories to the plaintiffs in an effort to discredit Christianity proactively. Yes… that’s our story and we’re sticking to it! Are you buying any of this? Well, I don’t care. This interview is over. I have an appointment to help a friend minister to a young Filipino boy. Is there a store around here that sells pudding in bulk?”
Fundamentally Flawed attempted to contact Satan to respond to these allegations. At the time of this printing, we were unable to reach him for comment. We suspect that this may be because he does not actually exist.
Despite the long road ahead, Chopton remains optimistic.
“We’re gathering more evidence each day. Just look at the recent discovery of a first century b.c.e. Jewish text which refers to a prince named Simon being killed and rising from the dead three days later… Seriously, folks… Are we to believe that this is just a coincidence? I think not! Evidence like this has been piling up for centuries. Do you have any idea how many ancient cultures wrote stories about gods being born to virgin mothers? Do you know how common it is to find references to heroic figures rising from the dead? The list goes on and on. A small child could see what’s going on here… Plagiarism, my friends. Plagiarism, pure and simple. My clients must be compensated!”
Chopton added one last point.
“Seriously… It’s not hard to create a religion without stealing intellectual property. Hell, look at Scientology! Evil galactic lords, disembodied spirits brainwashed to believe a false reality, e-meters, body thetans… Say what you will about that crazy-ass bastard L. Ron Hubbard… but at least he was original!”
Decision: 10,008 BCE
Jun 24th
I’m sure that all of my fellow Americans are all to aware that we are in the midst of an election year. We are being inundated with all manner of news, campaigning, analysis, and mud-slinging… or as it’s come to be called, “The Usual”.
Any historian will tell you that it is crucial for a society to learn from the past. After all, that’s how we prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes over and over again.
What if we could go one step beyond learning from history? What if we had a magic window that allowed us to learn from prehistory? Imagine what we could learn!
Let’s have a bit of fun today, folks. Let’s pretend we have such an enchanted window. Let’s take a look at what a political ad might look like circa 10,800 BCE.
Gronk want you think Gronk worship Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle. Gronk want you think he have Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtlish values. Gronk tell truth?
Look cave painting Gronk. Look Gronk hat!!! Gronk no wear Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle hat in painting… Gronk wear hat like Orange Flaming Sky Kangaroo worshipper!!!
Can cave afford take chance on Gronk? Gronk worship Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle? No… Young Gronk spend month in ORANGE FLAMING SKY KANGAROO SCHOOL!!!
Cave founded on principle of Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle. Cave have no room Orange Flaming Sky Kangaroo worshippers. They undermine Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle values and try destroy way of life.
No vote Gronk. Vote Ogg. Ogg love Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle. Ogg be gay for Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle if Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtle no hate gays.
“Me Ogg. Ogg approve message.”
Ok… I suppose many of you might think that my imaginings of prehistoric elections are a bit over the top. I firmly reject this accusation. In fact, I defy you to point out the difference between my flight of fancy and what is actually going on today.
Let’s face it… Our country is faced with several enormous issues that require practical and immediate action. We need to face these issues. We need to have civil and intelligent debates on these issues. We need to work together in attempt to find solutions to these issues.
Instead, we have chosen to allow our political discourse to be dominated by rumor and speculation over which invisible magic sky fairy our candidates spend Sundays singing to. Perhaps it would be even more accurate to say that we are worrying about which specific permutation of the same invisible magic sky fairy they are singing to.
At least our old friends Gronk and Ogg have an excuse. After all… our primitive forefathers were still under the impression that sickness was put into them by evil rocks and twigs. They didn’t have the means or technology to know any better.
We do. We have microscopes. We have mapped the structure of DNA. We have telescopes which allow us to see across 14 billion light years to the beginning of time. We have millions of computers networked together to allow instantaneous communications around the globe. We have medicines that are able to kill the microbes that actually make us sick, so we don’t have to exorcise the evil demons that live in the rocks and twigs.
Yet, we still choose to allow our political debates to degrade into arguments about Purple Cosmic Cloud Turtles and Orange Flaming Sky Kangaroos. We’ve given them different names, but the concept remains the same.
The time has come for us to cast aside archaic mythologies of the past and rationally focus on humanity’s future. We’re running out of time, people. We need to do it NOW.
I think I’ll wrap it up. I’m getting a bit hungry, so I’m going to put my dinner in the microwave.
For those of you unfamiliar with this technology… Brian put food in magic spirit cook box. Brian pray to Yellow Stellar Heat Penguin put magic in box make Brian food hot. Brian eat.
Rising oil prices: An opportunity for fundies
Jun 16th
We’re all aware that fuel prices have been on the rise for quite some time now. Whether we drive or not, the costs are being passed on to us in some way, shape, or form. While this may seem like a negative thing to many of us, I see it as a golden opportunity for fundamentalist Christians to win us over once and for all. Their crowning victory draws near, my friends! Simply put, it is time for them to put up or shut up.
I suppose most of you don’t really see any logic in my cryptic statement. I assure you that it makes perfect sense. Please indulge me for a moment while I explain.
This all began with an action alert posted by the Association of Fascist Assholes. It seems that they feel that the blame for rising fuel costs rests squarely on the shoulder of some sort of environmentalist cabal which has an evil stranglehold on congress. If such a cabal exists, I am not aware of it. I can only assume that my membership card was lost in the mail.
We are warned that gas prices will soon reach $10 a gallon if we do not petition congress to allow oil prospecting on environmentally protected lands. It seems that any concerns we have about our planet’s natural ecosystem must take a back seat to our insatiable lust for black gold. After all… why would any group professing an unwavering support for a creator want to show any respect for his creation? I can only assume that Jesus hates renewable resources almost as much as he hates them there gay homosexuals!
This leads us to the opportunity I mentioned earlier. Fundamentalist Christian groups like the AFA have spent years trying to convince us of the existence of their deity. They have touted the virtues of faith and reviled the wickedness of science. And now it seems that gas prices also fall within their divine domain as well.
There is one simple thing that they can do to solve all of these dilemmas. They can prove that God exists… they can prove that faith conquers science… They can defeat the rising oil costs! How?
Build a car which is powered by faith.
This shouldn’t be a very difficult task. There are millions of evangelicals in this country who loudly proclaim their piety and drone on endlessly about the power of their faith. Why not put this power to some sort of practical use? Imagine the potential for this limitless resource!
Of course, as a godless heathen I have no idea how this car would work. The actual design should probably be left to the brilliant scientific minds at the Discovery Institute and Answers in Genesis. I imagine the engine might be cross shaped, glowing with the golden light of faith. Perhaps they could achieve greater horsepower through some sort of Homophobia Injection System, and improve the car’s handling with Abstinence-Only Steering. The possibilities are limitless!
Then they would have the final word. They will have finally proven to us that their faith was not just some sort of self-righteous delusion. We non-believers would be stuck wallowing in the fetid trenches, suckling at the foul teat of the hideous bitch-goddess Oil, blinded by the brilliant reflection of faith from the silver fish emblem on their holy bumper, all the while being mocked by their sacred bumper sticker which proudly proclaims, “God is my copilot… AND MY FUEL SOURCE!!!”
So that’s it, folks… Put up or shut up. Prove that you are as pious as you claim by giving us the Faith-Powered Car.
I almost forgot… You’re going to have to make sure it’s street legal. I’m certain that Kent Hovind can make you a license plate. He must be getting pretty good at it by now.